TryInternetDating Forums

http://www.tryinternetdating.com/dating-articles-Is-He-Married.aspx

The article on finding out if he is married, is accurate.  People are afraid to ask if someone is married. Their intuition says he is but they don't want the answer to be yes.  I look for all the things you mentioned and they are very helpful..some single men just don't want a relationship. They just want a quickie and be gone. Women have control over this if they cared to wise up. 

Relationships are a 2 way street.  We are not dish rags to use and toss, unless we allow it to happen.  It is always a risk being involved with people. It is also a risk to get in your car and go to work. If you want to get paid you have to show up and give it your best shot.  Relationships are not easy for me. I am selfish. I want good looking, unmarried, without a steady girl friend. They are few. When you are 60 and not old like people think you are, it is hard to get past the looks for all of us. 

Oh well I thought your article was acurate. 

Thanks for listening. 

I like the web site.

 Gwen  AKA "Georgia"

This in from the mailbag:

name: Fred B.
New Zealand

I take exeption to the statement:-
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"married" means not legally divorced - some guys think separated is divorced, go figure!
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and I think it warrants re-phrasing.

I'm no 'game player' and Up front about the fact that I'm Married. But It is unlikely that I can ever get divorced.  Furthermore I am separated and can automatically become available to marry!

Bit of a conundrum? - Aparently my situation does not occur in USA.  Here's what I wrote to MyCountryMatch.com about the situation:- 
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Your initial question about marriage status gives me a problem.
I believe I fall outside the range of questions offered, yet I also believe I am suitable material for your site.  Unless of course your site is exclusively for US citizens.

Here is my status:-
Technically I am still married.
I have been separated well in exess of the legal requirement here (NZ) of 2 years.
I have gone through the property settlement proceedure (and settled the marriage)
This makes me "legally separated", a category you don't cater for.
Legally separated people don't sue for divorce, Instead they can apply for automatic annullment of the marriage.

In my case neither I nor my ex have applied for annullment, as it is not necessary untill one of us wants to get married.  In my particular case another consideration is to avoid unnecessary complication of a possible spouses name change for the adult children.

I assume that by "single" you also mean to include divorced or widowed which I suspect is where I should fit.  However "Married but I'm looking" would be correct in my case. Please note that once one is no longer single in this country at least, one can never go back - you become divorced/widowed/separated/or dead.
 
So how about that Eh? - You do the Amicable thing in settling a marriage for the sake of your spouse and children, then fall foul of the dating game!

Since I'm not dead, plus, I am married, and separated, and looking, and won't be divorcing,  I would appreciate your comments.

redfred
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your comments too would be appreciated - other than that I think your site is great!

Barbie,

Read your tips on "Is He Married?" and agree with most of your points. Since I'm newly back in the dating game (and my last time was pre-Internet) I was appalled to learn of the reported number of "married posers" on the various sites. Having said that, I do take exception to your (somewhat) sarcastic statement that, "Remind him 'married' means not legally divorced - some guys think separated is divorced, go figure!"

Separated is not divorced, and I think most people (men and women) know that. I will offer the following comments for your consideration that may change your perspective somewhat.

I don't know what the separation and divorce laws are where you live (CA?), but here in Virginia they are onerous. You must live apart for a minimum of 6 months before you can file for divorce (unless you have third party proof of adultry) and then the process can take another several months to more than a year for the final divorce decree. Most couples get to the decision point of separation and divorce after some period of hell. In my case, it extended over a 2 year period, which included discovering my wife engaging in phone sex, dating an older man, etc. Unfortunately, two years of joint marriage and individual counseling was unable to repair the damage done to our marriage. Given the personal misery I've already endured, I have no desire whatsoever to put my life on hold for another year, even though I am not yet "officially" divorced.

What is a reasonable approach for folks that find themselves in my unenviable position? I think honesty has to be the keyword. Where dating sites give the option, selecting "separated" works for me. For those sites that don't, honest communication about marital status early on is a must. I don't believe folks in my position should be further penalized or excluded from getting on with our lives. I also don't believe that deceit should be tolerated in any way, shape or form, but I'd suggest that the individual sites deal with the offenders rather than painting everyone with the same brush.

Thanks for listening............Gary

Hi Gary,

I need to go back and re-read the article again because I don't think we're disagreeing on anything.

Here is the beef I have with guys who are Seperated.  They click either single or divorced in their profile, even when Seperated is a choce.

I really don't care if a guy has been seperated for 5 years, living in different countries and hasn't talked to his wife in 4.5 years.  If you're NOT legally divorced, don't click on "Divorce" in your profile.

What is so hard to say "I've been seperated for several years and am in the process of finalizing the divorce." In their profile.  Most of my girlfriends will tell you, this is not a major turn off.  What is a turn-off is guys saying their "Divorced" when a court of law wouldn't agree.

Finally, is ok for seperated guys to date?  Hell ya.  Life is too short to put it on hold.  Date your ass off.  Just tell us girls what your real status is and let us decide.  Some of my girl friends will not date guys who are seperated and I think that is their god given right and can't stand guys lieing just because they don't want to "explain the baggage".

Thanks for writing!

Barb

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Barbie
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http://www.TryInternetDating.com